Through Loss, Gain, and Questions Unanswerd
Part 1
Well… Where to begin…
Let’s start with when I met my friends. It was 2009; I had just
got over a bad relationship, had a fight with my mother, and was kicked out into
the street. The first place I went to was Bill and Mindy’s house. I had only
known then for about a month or so, they had taken me to a motorcycle rally
called Hogrock, and our friend ship built up quickly on the things we shared in
common. It wasn’t long before we considered each other family. They, without
question, took me in. Our friendship built stronger and stronger until the trust
was built up enough for them to trust me to stay home and babysit their
children. I didn’t have a problem with it at all, having raised my brother and
sister practically from birth; I had tons of experience with children. The kids
were 7 and 5 years old, so they was old enough to take care of themselves, all I
needed to do was make sure chores was done, feed them, and send them to bed when it was time.
Of course discipline was granted to me if the children needed it,
and trust me, quite often they did. I could never go as far as hitting them or
spanking them, I couldn’t do that to my little brother or sister, so their kids
were no different. I’m a pretty big guy, always have been, so I try to be as
gentle as I can around kids because I’m always afraid I and going to hurt them.
I have always been a “timeout” kind of guardian. The youngest, the 5 year old,
had a problem sneaking around and doing things she knew she wasn’t supposed to
do; eat candy, sneak snacks, poop in her pants, draw on random crap. The older
one, she has a serious anger problem. She was violent with her sister, with her
step-father, with herself. In a honest to God, hand on a bible, conversation I
had with her, she told me that sometimes she needed to hit people, that it made
her feel better. One day, the 5 year old, came in and reported that the 7 year
old had hit her. I asked the 7 year if she did that, she replied with, “yea” in
an almost monotone, emotionless way. Then I asked why, she responded, “I felt
like it”. She had an impulse to rid herself of some aggression, and took it out
on the 5 year old. No provocation, no reason other than, “I felt like it”. This
7 year old little girl is the cause of my life problem right now. Her anger and
grudge held life style was constantly getting her in trouble. There was not a
day that went by that her and her step-father didn’t get in an argument or a
plain out fist fight, AT 7 YEARS OLD FOR GOD SAKES!
Well, as life went on, this was the daily routine. From house to
house, year to year, as I lived with them this was life. They took me in, and in
return I would do whatever it was asked of me. Often it was that they wanted to
go to the bar, and needed someone to babysit. I don’t drink so I stayed home
with the kids; it wasn’t really any kind of a big deal. Often times they would
be out until 3 am. So for the most part, the kids were almost always in bed. And
because it was my job, I would pause my Xbox game to take a moment and step into the kid’s room to make sure they were ok. I rarely had to go any further into
the room, on occasion when I did, it was because one of them, usually the 5 year
old, had rolled of her bed, or was hanging off of it, and I simply put her back
in. That was the extent to any contact with them after they slept. They were
such a headache when they were awake, it wouldn’t be logical to do anything to
wake them up, so I took steps to make sure that once they fell asleep, they
stayed that way till morning.
Now, I focus so much on my nocturnal routine with the children
because of the accusation that was made towards me in May of 2012. Something so fucked up, I was probably the most surprised person involved to hear about it.
By now Bill and Mindy had another child, that’s
when my babysitting became a little more difficult, ha-ha, but I wouldn’t take
it back for anything. I love babies. Their minds are so open and observant of
everything, it’s like having a metaphorical brick of clay that is their mind,
and it is up to you to shape their knowledge. With both Bill and Mindy working,
70% of my day was with the baby. Rocking her to sleep, changing her diaper,
feeding her simulac formula, and the best part, playing with her. Well, I take
that back that was the second best part, the naps with her on my chest was the
best. I don’t know if you have had kids, or needed to take care of any, but
baby naps, Are. The. BOMB! Deep
sleep in the lightest ways, a single sound or movement would wake you up, but if
it did, you woke up like you just had a full 8. I believe that is a little tweak
God put into caring for a child, because if you ever are taking care of one,
sleep is a precious thing. With those baby naps, it’s almost a cure
all.
I loved that baby with all my heart, I was like a second father to her, and it kills me to know I will never be able to hold her again, hear her laugh, play “destroy the living room” with her again, or know if anything I taught her mattered.
The relationship with the baby isn’t all I lost. The relationship
I had with Bill and Mindy was pretty strong as well. Bill and I were like two
halves of one nerd. We both liked the same kind of cartoons, movies, T.V. shows,
and also hated a lot of the same things as well. We could have been brothers, as
if we grew up together and liked all the same things as kids. Mindy and I was
just able to talk. We both were able to speak our minds about anything and knew
nether one of us would judge the other for it. I was usually the venting point
for her. I can’t say for sure, but I hope I helped her out just by being an
ear. She and I also shared some commonality, I was able to pull out my girlish
side and watch some chick flicks or girly T.V. shows with her. It was because
of her I know anything about 16 and pregnant, Buffy the vampire slayer, or Teen
Mom. I don’t know what it is with pregnant chicks and pregnant T.V. shows, but
there was a lot of it during that time. All three of us were like our own
little posse. We went everywhere together. If they needed to run 2 hours south
to drop one of the kids off at their grandmas, they always called me and asked
if I wanted to go. Road trips were a good time to talk. When I use the term
“family”,I mean I was closer to them than most of my own blood. In 4 years we
developed a strong sense of belonging. I was integrated into their lives almost
seamlessly. And as fast as the friendship developed, it ended.
It was a spring day, Mindy had just been accepted into a new job,
and the need to celebrate was in order. So My Step-brother, his girlfriend
/someone else’s wife, her four daughters, and I joined Bill, Mindy, and the
kids at their house for a Bar-B-Q. There was games, fun, music, and food,
everything you would find at a good Bar-B-Q. At the end of the night, as things
were winding down, My Step-brother decided it was time to go home. I was living
with him at the time, and with the occupants of his small little Pontiac grand
prix, there wasn’t any room for me. So to save Bill some gas, I decided to wait
till morning to head home, for Mindy had to work, and needed to head in that
direction anyway. This night went as any other night from the past 4 years.
Bill and I stayed up as everyone else went to sleep. We went into the garage
and listed to a little bit music, played around with the hacky sack, while he
smoked, then we went inside and watched late night cartoons. Bill turned in a
little early, and I stayed up and watched T.V. Later that night, I got up to
check on the girls, the baby was fine, from what I could see, the now 10 year
old was sleeping on her mattress, which lied on the floor. Their rooms were to
be built in the garage, so the room they were in was temporary. The other, now
7, mattress was on the floor as well, next to the first. As I looked over to
the 7 year olds bed, I found that there was no one in it. I checked the kitchen
for her, then the bathroom, then the parent’s room, and couldn’t find her. So
then I went into the room to look to see if she was elsewhere. The light switch
is located behind the door, moving the door would require me moving toys out of
the way, which induced noise, so getting my phone out and using it as a source
of light was not only quieter, but more convenient. I leaned over the 10 year
olds bed and shined a light near her pillow to see if the 7 year old had climbed
up into bed with her, she had not. So I then looked over towards her bed with
the light and the light shining past it lit up the closet, which had her blanket
leading into it. A closer look revealed that the 7 year old had rolled into the
closet and was sleeping there. Relieved, I left. I would have put her back into
her bed, but seeing as it was already on the floor, she would of ended back up
in the closet anyway. Mindy told me I was fighting a losing battle by trying to
keep her in bed while it was on the floor, so I stopped trying. I returned to
the living room, watched some more T.V., and then went to sleep.
The next morning I didn’t even see the girls, they had already gotten up and went off to school, except the baby of course. Mindy woke up sick, I was told we were going to the clinic for her, and then they took me home. Little to my knowledge that would be the last time I was amongst them as a friend. The last thing I said to them was the last thing I usually said when I left, “I’ll see ya when I see ya.” I never really like saying goodbye, if I do end up saying it; I’m more or likely echoing someone. My farewell of choice is usually “later” but the “see ya when I see ya” was
something I did for them. The next few days it went radio silent with Bill and
Mindy. No calls, texts, or messages were answered. I figured they just had a bunch of people over, they probably would like some quiet for a few days. I would give them some time before I went over to see if all was well.
But….. It wasn’t long before I was met at the door by a police
officer. It was a few days after the Bar-B-Q, and I was the only one in the
house at the time. It was storming outside and the power had just surged. So I
was in my step-brothers room checking out his computer to see if any damage had
been done. The knock or the officer wasn’t a complete surprise. I just assumed
it was related to the weather. He had asked if I was who I was, I said yea,
then he told me that he was investigating a claim made by a 10 year old little
girl that there was sexual harassment made, DCFS was involved and making a
report, and he needed me to come down to the station with him. I agreed, I
didn’t know at the time that the claim was towards me, I didn’t want to argue
with the guy, I had never been involved in anything before, so I followed him to
his car and he drove me there.
We arrived at the sheriff’s office, and I was put in an interrogation room, and a
representative of DCFS was there, he asked if he could film the interview, I
said yes, and he began his questioning.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I’m going to end Part one here, I will continue writing on it and
will post part 2 when I can…
Let’s start with when I met my friends. It was 2009; I had just
got over a bad relationship, had a fight with my mother, and was kicked out into
the street. The first place I went to was Bill and Mindy’s house. I had only
known then for about a month or so, they had taken me to a motorcycle rally
called Hogrock, and our friend ship built up quickly on the things we shared in
common. It wasn’t long before we considered each other family. They, without
question, took me in. Our friendship built stronger and stronger until the trust
was built up enough for them to trust me to stay home and babysit their
children. I didn’t have a problem with it at all, having raised my brother and
sister practically from birth; I had tons of experience with children. The kids
were 7 and 5 years old, so they was old enough to take care of themselves, all I
needed to do was make sure chores was done, feed them, and send them to bed when it was time.
Of course discipline was granted to me if the children needed it,
and trust me, quite often they did. I could never go as far as hitting them or
spanking them, I couldn’t do that to my little brother or sister, so their kids
were no different. I’m a pretty big guy, always have been, so I try to be as
gentle as I can around kids because I’m always afraid I and going to hurt them.
I have always been a “timeout” kind of guardian. The youngest, the 5 year old,
had a problem sneaking around and doing things she knew she wasn’t supposed to
do; eat candy, sneak snacks, poop in her pants, draw on random crap. The older
one, she has a serious anger problem. She was violent with her sister, with her
step-father, with herself. In a honest to God, hand on a bible, conversation I
had with her, she told me that sometimes she needed to hit people, that it made
her feel better. One day, the 5 year old, came in and reported that the 7 year
old had hit her. I asked the 7 year if she did that, she replied with, “yea” in
an almost monotone, emotionless way. Then I asked why, she responded, “I felt
like it”. She had an impulse to rid herself of some aggression, and took it out
on the 5 year old. No provocation, no reason other than, “I felt like it”. This
7 year old little girl is the cause of my life problem right now. Her anger and
grudge held life style was constantly getting her in trouble. There was not a
day that went by that her and her step-father didn’t get in an argument or a
plain out fist fight, AT 7 YEARS OLD FOR GOD SAKES!
Well, as life went on, this was the daily routine. From house to
house, year to year, as I lived with them this was life. They took me in, and in
return I would do whatever it was asked of me. Often it was that they wanted to
go to the bar, and needed someone to babysit. I don’t drink so I stayed home
with the kids; it wasn’t really any kind of a big deal. Often times they would
be out until 3 am. So for the most part, the kids were almost always in bed. And
because it was my job, I would pause my Xbox game to take a moment and step into the kid’s room to make sure they were ok. I rarely had to go any further into
the room, on occasion when I did, it was because one of them, usually the 5 year
old, had rolled of her bed, or was hanging off of it, and I simply put her back
in. That was the extent to any contact with them after they slept. They were
such a headache when they were awake, it wouldn’t be logical to do anything to
wake them up, so I took steps to make sure that once they fell asleep, they
stayed that way till morning.
Now, I focus so much on my nocturnal routine with the children
because of the accusation that was made towards me in May of 2012. Something so fucked up, I was probably the most surprised person involved to hear about it.
By now Bill and Mindy had another child, that’s
when my babysitting became a little more difficult, ha-ha, but I wouldn’t take
it back for anything. I love babies. Their minds are so open and observant of
everything, it’s like having a metaphorical brick of clay that is their mind,
and it is up to you to shape their knowledge. With both Bill and Mindy working,
70% of my day was with the baby. Rocking her to sleep, changing her diaper,
feeding her simulac formula, and the best part, playing with her. Well, I take
that back that was the second best part, the naps with her on my chest was the
best. I don’t know if you have had kids, or needed to take care of any, but
baby naps, Are. The. BOMB! Deep
sleep in the lightest ways, a single sound or movement would wake you up, but if
it did, you woke up like you just had a full 8. I believe that is a little tweak
God put into caring for a child, because if you ever are taking care of one,
sleep is a precious thing. With those baby naps, it’s almost a cure
all.
I loved that baby with all my heart, I was like a second father to her, and it kills me to know I will never be able to hold her again, hear her laugh, play “destroy the living room” with her again, or know if anything I taught her mattered.
The relationship with the baby isn’t all I lost. The relationship
I had with Bill and Mindy was pretty strong as well. Bill and I were like two
halves of one nerd. We both liked the same kind of cartoons, movies, T.V. shows,
and also hated a lot of the same things as well. We could have been brothers, as
if we grew up together and liked all the same things as kids. Mindy and I was
just able to talk. We both were able to speak our minds about anything and knew
nether one of us would judge the other for it. I was usually the venting point
for her. I can’t say for sure, but I hope I helped her out just by being an
ear. She and I also shared some commonality, I was able to pull out my girlish
side and watch some chick flicks or girly T.V. shows with her. It was because
of her I know anything about 16 and pregnant, Buffy the vampire slayer, or Teen
Mom. I don’t know what it is with pregnant chicks and pregnant T.V. shows, but
there was a lot of it during that time. All three of us were like our own
little posse. We went everywhere together. If they needed to run 2 hours south
to drop one of the kids off at their grandmas, they always called me and asked
if I wanted to go. Road trips were a good time to talk. When I use the term
“family”,I mean I was closer to them than most of my own blood. In 4 years we
developed a strong sense of belonging. I was integrated into their lives almost
seamlessly. And as fast as the friendship developed, it ended.
It was a spring day, Mindy had just been accepted into a new job,
and the need to celebrate was in order. So My Step-brother, his girlfriend
/someone else’s wife, her four daughters, and I joined Bill, Mindy, and the
kids at their house for a Bar-B-Q. There was games, fun, music, and food,
everything you would find at a good Bar-B-Q. At the end of the night, as things
were winding down, My Step-brother decided it was time to go home. I was living
with him at the time, and with the occupants of his small little Pontiac grand
prix, there wasn’t any room for me. So to save Bill some gas, I decided to wait
till morning to head home, for Mindy had to work, and needed to head in that
direction anyway. This night went as any other night from the past 4 years.
Bill and I stayed up as everyone else went to sleep. We went into the garage
and listed to a little bit music, played around with the hacky sack, while he
smoked, then we went inside and watched late night cartoons. Bill turned in a
little early, and I stayed up and watched T.V. Later that night, I got up to
check on the girls, the baby was fine, from what I could see, the now 10 year
old was sleeping on her mattress, which lied on the floor. Their rooms were to
be built in the garage, so the room they were in was temporary. The other, now
7, mattress was on the floor as well, next to the first. As I looked over to
the 7 year olds bed, I found that there was no one in it. I checked the kitchen
for her, then the bathroom, then the parent’s room, and couldn’t find her. So
then I went into the room to look to see if she was elsewhere. The light switch
is located behind the door, moving the door would require me moving toys out of
the way, which induced noise, so getting my phone out and using it as a source
of light was not only quieter, but more convenient. I leaned over the 10 year
olds bed and shined a light near her pillow to see if the 7 year old had climbed
up into bed with her, she had not. So I then looked over towards her bed with
the light and the light shining past it lit up the closet, which had her blanket
leading into it. A closer look revealed that the 7 year old had rolled into the
closet and was sleeping there. Relieved, I left. I would have put her back into
her bed, but seeing as it was already on the floor, she would of ended back up
in the closet anyway. Mindy told me I was fighting a losing battle by trying to
keep her in bed while it was on the floor, so I stopped trying. I returned to
the living room, watched some more T.V., and then went to sleep.
The next morning I didn’t even see the girls, they had already gotten up and went off to school, except the baby of course. Mindy woke up sick, I was told we were going to the clinic for her, and then they took me home. Little to my knowledge that would be the last time I was amongst them as a friend. The last thing I said to them was the last thing I usually said when I left, “I’ll see ya when I see ya.” I never really like saying goodbye, if I do end up saying it; I’m more or likely echoing someone. My farewell of choice is usually “later” but the “see ya when I see ya” was
something I did for them. The next few days it went radio silent with Bill and
Mindy. No calls, texts, or messages were answered. I figured they just had a bunch of people over, they probably would like some quiet for a few days. I would give them some time before I went over to see if all was well.
But….. It wasn’t long before I was met at the door by a police
officer. It was a few days after the Bar-B-Q, and I was the only one in the
house at the time. It was storming outside and the power had just surged. So I
was in my step-brothers room checking out his computer to see if any damage had
been done. The knock or the officer wasn’t a complete surprise. I just assumed
it was related to the weather. He had asked if I was who I was, I said yea,
then he told me that he was investigating a claim made by a 10 year old little
girl that there was sexual harassment made, DCFS was involved and making a
report, and he needed me to come down to the station with him. I agreed, I
didn’t know at the time that the claim was towards me, I didn’t want to argue
with the guy, I had never been involved in anything before, so I followed him to
his car and he drove me there.
We arrived at the sheriff’s office, and I was put in an interrogation room, and a
representative of DCFS was there, he asked if he could film the interview, I
said yes, and he began his questioning.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I’m going to end Part one here, I will continue writing on it and
will post part 2 when I can…