“And so, being young and dipped in folly,
I fell in love with melancholy.” –Edgar Allan Poe
Translation :{ being that I grew up in hardship and great
difficulties, I got used to the fact that, Life Sucks…}
Someone upstairs seems to think that new tricks need to be learned… I just don’t know if I can handle it. I have been facing things I never knew I was
ill prepared for, things that attack me from the inside out. It’s a vicious cycle that feeds itself, and it scares me.
DEPRESSION brought on this unfitting title that has been bestowed upon me as “Sex Offender”, the feeling that I can’t be with my family in state owned places, i.e. Parks, lakes, etc.. My stepbrother was visiting from Korea and brought his little baby girl over to the states for the first time, and they had a birthday party in the park for her. Everyone was invited, not everyone was legally allowed to attend. I stayed home. My little brother came home and told me the story of the fun they had in the park with water balloons and things. He ended the story with, “You should have been there.” I don’t hold that against him, my little brother you see, views the world from a different set of eyes. He is autistic (as much as I like to argue the fact) and cannot / will not understand my situation, so I
can’t put what he said against him. It didn’t stop it from hurting though.
ANXIETY from running into people in public I don’t wish to run into or want to know about my situation. It is incredibly to apply for jobs and explain to them that I am a registered sexual predator and not to think too much into it because it’s not true. People who know me know I’m innocent, but people who I just meet… all they are going to see is that title. Word will get around, as it always does, and people thinking they can make the world a better place by putting forth some vigilantly justice by doing whatever they can to put my “Pedo/ChoMo ass in prison where it belongs”. This has never been said directly to me, but being in jail in a cell with other offenders, and by being in a
sexual offender therapy group, I hear people going through it all the time. I want to avoid it at all costs. Right now that means never leaving my room. I
just recently found out that I can’t hear a verdict being read without going into an anxiety lockdown. Zimmerman just recently got found not guilty on his
case, and I had been following his proceedings for a while, and wanted to see the end of it. So, I got online and looked up the video that talked about it,
and in that video his verdict is read. Even though it was not guilty, hearing a member of court read that out send my mind racing. It got incredibly difficult
to control my breathing, and started crying my eyes out, out of fear. I was scared. I couldn’t figure out why, or from what, but crying into a towel as hard
as I could seemed to be the only thing that I wanted to do. I didn’t know for sure what triggered it, until a few days later when my Mom was watching “Malcolm X” and they read off his verdict to him at the end of the movie. I got up and headed for my room upstairs to compose myself. I didn’t break down like before,
but it was a similar feeling. I’m not sure of anything beyond that, but for now I want / need to avoid court proceedings in the media and in movies.
PARANOIA, every time I’m out in public, I feel like everyone hates me. I’m smart enough to know that isn’t true, but the brain is a funny and complex
organ. Logic is melting around me as if I’m in a surrealistic painting. I take feelings as fact without weighing logic or reason. I feel like if I start
filling out applications, people will start making their own assumptions about me and shape me into a person I’m not. I am an incredibly romantic and flirty
person, and with all of this going on, it discourages me from any of that. Not just legally, but mentally as well. If I have sex with a woman, out of love or
lust, I have to turn her name into the sheriff’s office. So, out of respect for, whoever, I refrain from it. God knows I could use a companion to help me cope
with all of this. I have a few friends that are there for me, and I am thankful for that, but I don’t want to selfishly monopolize their time for my issues. I
thank God for my friend Tori, she has been with me in this from square one. I wrote and called her in jail and it helped me out more than I feel she will ever
know. She is the closest thing I have to a “companion” in the sense of having someone to unload everything to. She usually gives me good advice and it helps,
but there are things that have happened to me that are hard to describe. I have feelings that sit in my chest to go unrecognized, because they are foreign to
me. I get them every time I’m in public. It feels as if the world is watching and misjudging everything I do. This last court visit, the judge has ordered me
to start looking for a job and handed me a green sheet to fill out to return to him in the next month. I am now being forced to act, to find a job even though
all of this. I have attempted to explain to the judge my issues, but I suppose the states hunger for money is greater than his “give a fuck” for my issues.
So, I get thrown into a Depression, which results in me sleeping for 12 hours a day, and then it gets to a point to where I need to go somewhere to shop
or eat. Public interaction puts me off, and I start to think that everyone is gunning for me; I get scared that I’m going to run into Bill and / or Mindy in
public. So Paranoia feeds my Anxiety, and it leads me to staying inside for another 4 or 5 days straight, where I sit in depression because my life isn’t
the way it should be.
As for my “Through Loss, Gain, and Questions Unanswered” story, I WILL finish it. It just seems every time I get into the story, that same feeling
comes up that came up with the verdict reading, and I have to stop for a while. So I promise it will be finished, I want my story told.
My sister needs help cleaning downstairs, so I will end this here. Until next time.
ill prepared for, things that attack me from the inside out. It’s a vicious cycle that feeds itself, and it scares me.
DEPRESSION brought on this unfitting title that has been bestowed upon me as “Sex Offender”, the feeling that I can’t be with my family in state owned places, i.e. Parks, lakes, etc.. My stepbrother was visiting from Korea and brought his little baby girl over to the states for the first time, and they had a birthday party in the park for her. Everyone was invited, not everyone was legally allowed to attend. I stayed home. My little brother came home and told me the story of the fun they had in the park with water balloons and things. He ended the story with, “You should have been there.” I don’t hold that against him, my little brother you see, views the world from a different set of eyes. He is autistic (as much as I like to argue the fact) and cannot / will not understand my situation, so I
can’t put what he said against him. It didn’t stop it from hurting though.
ANXIETY from running into people in public I don’t wish to run into or want to know about my situation. It is incredibly to apply for jobs and explain to them that I am a registered sexual predator and not to think too much into it because it’s not true. People who know me know I’m innocent, but people who I just meet… all they are going to see is that title. Word will get around, as it always does, and people thinking they can make the world a better place by putting forth some vigilantly justice by doing whatever they can to put my “Pedo/ChoMo ass in prison where it belongs”. This has never been said directly to me, but being in jail in a cell with other offenders, and by being in a
sexual offender therapy group, I hear people going through it all the time. I want to avoid it at all costs. Right now that means never leaving my room. I
just recently found out that I can’t hear a verdict being read without going into an anxiety lockdown. Zimmerman just recently got found not guilty on his
case, and I had been following his proceedings for a while, and wanted to see the end of it. So, I got online and looked up the video that talked about it,
and in that video his verdict is read. Even though it was not guilty, hearing a member of court read that out send my mind racing. It got incredibly difficult
to control my breathing, and started crying my eyes out, out of fear. I was scared. I couldn’t figure out why, or from what, but crying into a towel as hard
as I could seemed to be the only thing that I wanted to do. I didn’t know for sure what triggered it, until a few days later when my Mom was watching “Malcolm X” and they read off his verdict to him at the end of the movie. I got up and headed for my room upstairs to compose myself. I didn’t break down like before,
but it was a similar feeling. I’m not sure of anything beyond that, but for now I want / need to avoid court proceedings in the media and in movies.
PARANOIA, every time I’m out in public, I feel like everyone hates me. I’m smart enough to know that isn’t true, but the brain is a funny and complex
organ. Logic is melting around me as if I’m in a surrealistic painting. I take feelings as fact without weighing logic or reason. I feel like if I start
filling out applications, people will start making their own assumptions about me and shape me into a person I’m not. I am an incredibly romantic and flirty
person, and with all of this going on, it discourages me from any of that. Not just legally, but mentally as well. If I have sex with a woman, out of love or
lust, I have to turn her name into the sheriff’s office. So, out of respect for, whoever, I refrain from it. God knows I could use a companion to help me cope
with all of this. I have a few friends that are there for me, and I am thankful for that, but I don’t want to selfishly monopolize their time for my issues. I
thank God for my friend Tori, she has been with me in this from square one. I wrote and called her in jail and it helped me out more than I feel she will ever
know. She is the closest thing I have to a “companion” in the sense of having someone to unload everything to. She usually gives me good advice and it helps,
but there are things that have happened to me that are hard to describe. I have feelings that sit in my chest to go unrecognized, because they are foreign to
me. I get them every time I’m in public. It feels as if the world is watching and misjudging everything I do. This last court visit, the judge has ordered me
to start looking for a job and handed me a green sheet to fill out to return to him in the next month. I am now being forced to act, to find a job even though
all of this. I have attempted to explain to the judge my issues, but I suppose the states hunger for money is greater than his “give a fuck” for my issues.
So, I get thrown into a Depression, which results in me sleeping for 12 hours a day, and then it gets to a point to where I need to go somewhere to shop
or eat. Public interaction puts me off, and I start to think that everyone is gunning for me; I get scared that I’m going to run into Bill and / or Mindy in
public. So Paranoia feeds my Anxiety, and it leads me to staying inside for another 4 or 5 days straight, where I sit in depression because my life isn’t
the way it should be.
As for my “Through Loss, Gain, and Questions Unanswered” story, I WILL finish it. It just seems every time I get into the story, that same feeling
comes up that came up with the verdict reading, and I have to stop for a while. So I promise it will be finished, I want my story told.
My sister needs help cleaning downstairs, so I will end this here. Until next time.