I depended on him to get me out of this. After all, I didn’t know anything, especially what was going to happen at my trial. He didn’t prepare me for much, and I definitely wasn’t prepared for the train that was scheduled to run me over.
{This has taken me a long time to get to. I have experienced anxiety and panic over the idea of court, especially trial cases. So going back over mine wasn’t boding with me well. But for those of you who had been following need to know the rest of the story. I need people to know the rest of the story.
“History is in the mind of the teller, the truth is in the tail.” –Saron Gas (SEETHER)}
DECEMBER 11th, 2012, Day one of the jury trial
My mother had brought me some new clothes for trial. I had lost over 90 lbs. while in jail so any of my old clothes were too big. I woke up that morning early, way before morning chow. I had been fasting for my trial and hadn’t eaten anything for a few days now. I had been nose deep in my bible trying to find some comfort. The morning seemed absent of reality, I mean the reality that existed for people in jail. There was nothingness in the air. Chow came and went and everyone returned to their bunks. I stayed up and turned the TV to a music station with gospel music on it. Not that I thought it would add to my “luck” or anything, growing up in a Christian home gospel music is what I heard all the time. It reminded me of home and it brought a much needed nostalgia to me that comforted me. As I hung my head in prayer I fell into a trance, a sleep like state that took me away. It was as if God took me out of the cell for a moment to escape feelings. When I came back I felt peaceful. The intercom clicked on
“Issac, come out and get ready for court.”
I stood up and walked to my bunk to get my notebook and pen. All of the guys rolled out of their bunks to wish me luck. Andy stood up in his bunk and looked over the concrete divider between the two rows of beds and said he would pray for me. I nodded and thanked him and walked out. A jailer was waiting for me with a Wal-Mart sack with new clothes in it. I put on my clothes and tie; it felt good to wear something that didn’t have black and white stripes on it. I sat for a while before they walked me over to the court house. For the first time in months I was escorted outside without handcuffs and a thick leather belt on. That day was full of fresh emotions that comforted me as I walked to an ambush.
I talked with my lawyer for a while. He showed me some DVD recordings of interviews of both me and the little girl. In the interview with her, I swear by everything I know, she told the interviewer that she wasn’t 100% sure it was me, that she, and I quote, “thought it could be a dream”. This infuriated me. I have been sitting in jail now for 3 months over a “maybe”! To add madness to the misery, the DVD of my interview had a “recording error” and cut out the last part of my interview with the deputy, the part where he told me that he knows my “kind” that I’m guilty and should be in a prison where other inmates should be beating the pedophile out of me. After bringing that fact up to my lawyer, he had a talk with the States Attorney and they worked it out to where only a portion of my interview would be shown… I don’t see how that solved my issue, but hey, he knew what he was doing (or so I thought). I was lead out into the court room and had a watch dog guard hovering over me at a distance to make sure I wasn’t going to run for it. The judge and the layers went over some loose end stuff before the jury selection started; something about confirming my birthdate and how to work the DVD player. After they were finished they opened up the doors and about 40 people walked in. I only recognized one of them, an ex-girlfriend of my step-brothers. She later asked if she could be excused because of her personal involvement with me and the family, they allowed it and she left. I haven’t seen her since.
12 by 12 people came up and were each questioned of whether or not they knew me or the family. If they had any issues with the people that were to be called up for questioning, or had anything of dire importance that couldn’t be postponed for this trial. As my luck would have it, anyone that was close to my age was able to use college finals as an excuse to get out of jury duty. Some had some personal issues that needed to be addressed in private and outside of the open court. After lunch and after questioning some more people, we went into a small room to question the ones with a personal issue. It was here in life I was shown the amount of evil that is in the world. First I was shown a case that mirrored my own. I will not release the name of the woman, but I want to share what she said. She first mentioned that her own son was on the sex offender registry list and being a juror would bring a bias in my favor. She said when she looked at me she saw her son. The court then asked
“Can you explain, in your own words, what you would be feeling?
She responded with, “Well, I will see my son sitting over there. And I would be very super carful on anything I did. Because I have asked several people today, and {when it’s all said and done} if you are on the sex offender registry list, it’s never over. It’s never over. “
I felt kind of a warm excited feeling. I really wanted her on the jury. Someone who can empathize with what I’m facing. Sad to say she was later taken off the juror list.
Next all the women who came in said they were too close to the subject for the opposite reasons:
One because her daughter had been molested
One because her daughter’s boyfriend was arrested for child pornography
One because she was molested as a child
One because she was currently going through court proceedings for the molestation of her child
And one because she had been molested herself throughout childhood
I don’t remember specifically which one it was, but they started to cry. The room broke out in a minor hustle to look for tissues; I had some toilet paper in my pocket. I handed her some and she accepted it with gratitude. It was in that moment whatever naïve perspective I had on the world, whatever innocence that was already being chipped away was just then shattered. Later during more questioning I was told by my lawyer that one of the men that was set up to be a potential juror was a registered sex offender pled guilty for possessing child pornography. I knew there were evil people out there, I wasn’t that naïve, but I hadn’t realized how close to home it was.
After what seemed to me to be a lawyer game of “I want this one, but not that one” a jury was selected, 12 jurors and 2 alternates. As those 14 people filled the box I stared at the group of people that would decide my fate. I had gone my whole life giving not a single shit about what people thought of me. Public opinion to me wasn’t worth anything and I spent my whole life living as a wild and outgoing comedian for that reason. I was now looking at 14 people who were searching for an opinion on me and for the first time I began caring vary much of what they thought. But… I was looking at 14 farmer or factory workers, all over 45 and more than likely grew up in “Southern Baptist Illinois”, I had a sickening feeling that I was looking at 14 people that already had a bias opinion against the “child molesting piece of shit” that was sitting in my chair. Almost 12 hours to pick a jury, tomorrow the trial would begin.
Part VI coming soon.
{This has taken me a long time to get to. I have experienced anxiety and panic over the idea of court, especially trial cases. So going back over mine wasn’t boding with me well. But for those of you who had been following need to know the rest of the story. I need people to know the rest of the story.
“History is in the mind of the teller, the truth is in the tail.” –Saron Gas (SEETHER)}
DECEMBER 11th, 2012, Day one of the jury trial
My mother had brought me some new clothes for trial. I had lost over 90 lbs. while in jail so any of my old clothes were too big. I woke up that morning early, way before morning chow. I had been fasting for my trial and hadn’t eaten anything for a few days now. I had been nose deep in my bible trying to find some comfort. The morning seemed absent of reality, I mean the reality that existed for people in jail. There was nothingness in the air. Chow came and went and everyone returned to their bunks. I stayed up and turned the TV to a music station with gospel music on it. Not that I thought it would add to my “luck” or anything, growing up in a Christian home gospel music is what I heard all the time. It reminded me of home and it brought a much needed nostalgia to me that comforted me. As I hung my head in prayer I fell into a trance, a sleep like state that took me away. It was as if God took me out of the cell for a moment to escape feelings. When I came back I felt peaceful. The intercom clicked on
“Issac, come out and get ready for court.”
I stood up and walked to my bunk to get my notebook and pen. All of the guys rolled out of their bunks to wish me luck. Andy stood up in his bunk and looked over the concrete divider between the two rows of beds and said he would pray for me. I nodded and thanked him and walked out. A jailer was waiting for me with a Wal-Mart sack with new clothes in it. I put on my clothes and tie; it felt good to wear something that didn’t have black and white stripes on it. I sat for a while before they walked me over to the court house. For the first time in months I was escorted outside without handcuffs and a thick leather belt on. That day was full of fresh emotions that comforted me as I walked to an ambush.
I talked with my lawyer for a while. He showed me some DVD recordings of interviews of both me and the little girl. In the interview with her, I swear by everything I know, she told the interviewer that she wasn’t 100% sure it was me, that she, and I quote, “thought it could be a dream”. This infuriated me. I have been sitting in jail now for 3 months over a “maybe”! To add madness to the misery, the DVD of my interview had a “recording error” and cut out the last part of my interview with the deputy, the part where he told me that he knows my “kind” that I’m guilty and should be in a prison where other inmates should be beating the pedophile out of me. After bringing that fact up to my lawyer, he had a talk with the States Attorney and they worked it out to where only a portion of my interview would be shown… I don’t see how that solved my issue, but hey, he knew what he was doing (or so I thought). I was lead out into the court room and had a watch dog guard hovering over me at a distance to make sure I wasn’t going to run for it. The judge and the layers went over some loose end stuff before the jury selection started; something about confirming my birthdate and how to work the DVD player. After they were finished they opened up the doors and about 40 people walked in. I only recognized one of them, an ex-girlfriend of my step-brothers. She later asked if she could be excused because of her personal involvement with me and the family, they allowed it and she left. I haven’t seen her since.
12 by 12 people came up and were each questioned of whether or not they knew me or the family. If they had any issues with the people that were to be called up for questioning, or had anything of dire importance that couldn’t be postponed for this trial. As my luck would have it, anyone that was close to my age was able to use college finals as an excuse to get out of jury duty. Some had some personal issues that needed to be addressed in private and outside of the open court. After lunch and after questioning some more people, we went into a small room to question the ones with a personal issue. It was here in life I was shown the amount of evil that is in the world. First I was shown a case that mirrored my own. I will not release the name of the woman, but I want to share what she said. She first mentioned that her own son was on the sex offender registry list and being a juror would bring a bias in my favor. She said when she looked at me she saw her son. The court then asked
“Can you explain, in your own words, what you would be feeling?
She responded with, “Well, I will see my son sitting over there. And I would be very super carful on anything I did. Because I have asked several people today, and {when it’s all said and done} if you are on the sex offender registry list, it’s never over. It’s never over. “
I felt kind of a warm excited feeling. I really wanted her on the jury. Someone who can empathize with what I’m facing. Sad to say she was later taken off the juror list.
Next all the women who came in said they were too close to the subject for the opposite reasons:
One because her daughter had been molested
One because her daughter’s boyfriend was arrested for child pornography
One because she was molested as a child
One because she was currently going through court proceedings for the molestation of her child
And one because she had been molested herself throughout childhood
I don’t remember specifically which one it was, but they started to cry. The room broke out in a minor hustle to look for tissues; I had some toilet paper in my pocket. I handed her some and she accepted it with gratitude. It was in that moment whatever naïve perspective I had on the world, whatever innocence that was already being chipped away was just then shattered. Later during more questioning I was told by my lawyer that one of the men that was set up to be a potential juror was a registered sex offender pled guilty for possessing child pornography. I knew there were evil people out there, I wasn’t that naïve, but I hadn’t realized how close to home it was.
After what seemed to me to be a lawyer game of “I want this one, but not that one” a jury was selected, 12 jurors and 2 alternates. As those 14 people filled the box I stared at the group of people that would decide my fate. I had gone my whole life giving not a single shit about what people thought of me. Public opinion to me wasn’t worth anything and I spent my whole life living as a wild and outgoing comedian for that reason. I was now looking at 14 people who were searching for an opinion on me and for the first time I began caring vary much of what they thought. But… I was looking at 14 farmer or factory workers, all over 45 and more than likely grew up in “Southern Baptist Illinois”, I had a sickening feeling that I was looking at 14 people that already had a bias opinion against the “child molesting piece of shit” that was sitting in my chair. Almost 12 hours to pick a jury, tomorrow the trial would begin.
Part VI coming soon.