Even as you break me
Every time you rape me
coming all undone
Turn your back and hate me
you waste me
Keep me underneath your thumb"
--Seether, Holding onto Strings Better left to Fray.
This is a venting blog. If it seems like a random stream of thoughts and ideas, that’s because it is.
The easily offended, the super religious and judgmental pricks…
you might as well go read something else. This is going to get
Depression is a BITCH!
It is a pool of tar, and the deeper you
get in it, the more of a hold it has on you. For those of you keeping up with my blog, (because I’m sure there is just so many of you, hi ani) you should be in the middle of my Blog entries “Through Loss, Gain and Questions Unanswered”. It is understandable to be in a state of depression after going through all of that. The part of the story I haven’t gotten to yet, and eventually I will, is that I have four years of probation, there are a lot of ridiculous guide lines to follow, I am ordered to attend Sexual Offender Therapy Classes, as a felon and a registered sex offender, I cannot find a job, but alas I have over $1500 in court fees and fines, if they are not paid on a normal basis, I go back to jail, if I step off the path of these ludicrous rules I must follow, I go back to jail, if someone wants to fuck with me, and knows I am a registered sex offender, all they have to do is cry wolf, and I go back to jail. Life for me, for the first time, is run by paranoia. Never have I been so stressed or unsure of what I have control of and what I don’t. So yeah, I’m a bit depressed. To add to the misery, my mother felt it necessary to inform me that because I didn’t listen to her in the first place, that “those people are not good people, you don’t need to hang around them” is why I ended up in jail. If I had listened to her, this wouldn’t have happened. Just like when she told me that being with my Ex-fiancé, Whitney, was a mistake and she was right that is wasn’t going to work out. That if I just start listening to her my life wouldn’t be in the MOTHER FUCKING TAR PIT! Thank you so very FUCKING mush for bringing up the two most poignant failures in my damn life. That was just the word of encouragement I needed to get through this new depression, was telling me all about my old depression. Thus creating a mixture of super hybrid depression, that is just dandy.
I can’t live a normal life anymore. I can’t be me. I have to be
someone else, a fucking pedophile in the eyes of the court, a felon, stressed,
paranoid, angry, and to top it all off, I can’t be a normal brother anymore
because of this shit. My little sister came home early from hanging out with
friends, but I was home by myself, and I can’t be alone with anyone under 18 per court order without someone over 18 with me. So I had to go outside and walk around for almost 2 hours until someone came home. THAT IS FUCKING BULL SHIT!!
The other day, we had a yard sale at my grandmother’s house, and
a chick pulled in the driveway next door, she had just moved in next door to my grandma. I walked over and started talking to her, she told me she had heard of me, and not only heard of me, she seemed to be a bit interested in me. She is cute, short, and kinda thick, which is always nice. Has a dark sense of style like me, we talked for a little while. She started flirting with me, and I returned the sentiment by being funny and charming. Ha-ha, she went in her house and brought out pretzel M&Ms and gave me some. I definitely would like to get to know this chick more.
My step-father pulled me aside and informed me that I am a registered sex offender, and I don’t know her. She could do something that would put me in jail. And he thinks that I need to tone it down.
Thank you so much court system, thank you so much 12 mother fucking jury members for not looking into what this would do to me and my life and running to that damn guilty verdict like a diabetic after penicillin. THANK YOU SO FUCKING MUCH, you lazy ass, overconfident washed up, washed out pathetic excuse of a lawyer. I don’t doubt that at one time, when it was convenient to you and your career, that you were a good lawyer, but when everybody, EVERYBODY, that has ever had you as a public defender tells me that you have fucked them over, that tells me you don’t give a shit anymore, you are sitting back and soaking in those state checks, you pompous, arrogant, bowlegged bastard. You are lucky I was raised to be a morally driven man; otherwise I would have hit you in your fucking mouth for calling me an idiot. It must do wonders for your practice to cuss people out. I bet it makes you feel 10 feet tall huh? You fucking prick.
I can’t be a normal older brother, I can’t meet new people, I can’t be romantically involved with anyone without having to report it to the fucking sheriff’s office, I have been forcefully introverted, and my outgoing
personality has been chained. I am restricted from lakes, parks, public pools. I have to have a babysitter everywhere I go. I am in a box, stamped with the court seal.
Yeah, life for me is just wonderful; I get to be the model citizen, minus some.